I can't help but feel that the entire world is imbalanced. How did we become a world full of hate? On CNN there was an article about a church demonstration blaming the war on the evils of homosexuals. All I can think to say is, "Huh?" How can someone's sexuality determine the evilness of the world? What about all the people who commit murder? What about the sexual predators who pray on the innocence of our world? Wouldn't they have more of a karmic impact on our world than someone who prefers to have adult, consensual sex...regardless of whether it's same sex or different sex?
And we can't go more than a day or two without hearing about some suicide bomber. Or we find out about another athlete who has been taking steroids. What is the root cause for all this hate? What is causing this imbalance in the world? Does this hate stem from the 24x7 news coverage? Hell, I'm not sure if we can even call it real news but "entertainment" news. In the past, we may have had such hatred but these people didn't have a constant, worldwide voice.
I'm not the most religious person but I feel that we have lost the true message of religion (although I'm not sure if we ever really had it with all the wars that were fought in the name of "religion"). Doesn't the bible tell you to love your neighbor? When did it turn into love your neighbor as long as they believe and live as you do? We don't have to agree with what everyone does or say or believes but why do we have to hate them for these actions, words, and beliefs? And where does it give us the right to destroy these people for their differences? What about the golden rule of do onto others as you would have them do onto you?
I know when my hormones are really off that I have unwarranted feelings of hate towards people I don't even know just because they looked at me. And when things are REALLY bad, I'm filled with anxiety like someone is out to get me and I'm afraid to be alone. This is why I think the world is suffering from an imbalance.
The question is, "How do we balance the world and find peace?"
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Bloody Tuesday
Ugh, today I feel like crap. I feel like I'm in a haze; my head hurts and my stomach just doesn't want to settle. Oh, and did I mention that my period started again? A week after it ended. I did read that it was normal to have break through bleeding for the first two months so hopefully this is normal and my body's way of cleaning itself out.
I have to admit that it has been a frustrating process to get to this point. I know most women get diagnosed with PCOS or other hormonal imbalances because they're trying to get pregnant and can't but I have no desire to have children and don't really care about infertility issues. I feel sorry for all the women who are having these issues because I've had many friends who have struggled to get pregnant. But the problem is that all us single women who don't plan to get pregnant any time soon are made to feel like we shouldn't have these issues and why are we bothering to try to fix this problem now. For all you single women, you are not alone in your quest to feel better. If you feel like your doctor is not listening to you when you tell them that you don't feel good, find someone else. Keep track of your symptoms and when they occur. Before I was diagnosed with PCOS, I knew something was wrong with me but I didn't know what because other than being exhausted always broken out, there was no real problem that I could pinpoint. I felt like my body was destroying itself from the inside out and I didn't know how to stop it.
And don't find someone who tries to treat the symptoms. Find a doctor who is willing to work with you to get to the root cause of your problems.
I have to admit that it has been a frustrating process to get to this point. I know most women get diagnosed with PCOS or other hormonal imbalances because they're trying to get pregnant and can't but I have no desire to have children and don't really care about infertility issues. I feel sorry for all the women who are having these issues because I've had many friends who have struggled to get pregnant. But the problem is that all us single women who don't plan to get pregnant any time soon are made to feel like we shouldn't have these issues and why are we bothering to try to fix this problem now. For all you single women, you are not alone in your quest to feel better. If you feel like your doctor is not listening to you when you tell them that you don't feel good, find someone else. Keep track of your symptoms and when they occur. Before I was diagnosed with PCOS, I knew something was wrong with me but I didn't know what because other than being exhausted always broken out, there was no real problem that I could pinpoint. I felt like my body was destroying itself from the inside out and I didn't know how to stop it.
And don't find someone who tries to treat the symptoms. Find a doctor who is willing to work with you to get to the root cause of your problems.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sleepy Sunday
Sunday went fairly well or I at least had no hot flashes. Of course when I woke up freezing this morning, it would have been nice to have a hot flash to warm me up but I guess it doesn't really work that way. I'm still somewhat fatigued but some of it may be from staying with my friend and being out of my normal routine. By the end of the day, I had a slight headache and I was a little achy but we spent a good 4 hours at the Renaissance Festival and there's only so much of a crowd and screaming kids that I can stand.
I'm not sure if I'm just generally bitchy or if I'm having mood swing issues but put me behind the steering wheel and all of a sudden, it seems the world is my mortal enemy...well, at least the ones that get in my way when I'm driving. The people who piss me off the most are those that ride your bumper, especially when you're going quite a bit over the speed limit already and there's another car on your side that's keep head to head with you and there's no where you can go without losing your license or parts of your car. And of course I'm never rational when people do that to me. First, I let up on the gas pedal to slow down to catch the person's attention. If that doesn't work, I'll tap on my brake. If I can get over, I will and have no problems with someone wanting to go faster than me but please don't force me to go mach 3 just because you're in a rush and don't care about the safety of strangers. Of course, I won't be surprised if one day I'm the victim of road rage. I realize my actions are dangerous but I can't help myself. Imagine if my mood swings got really bad?!!!
I'm not sure if I'm just generally bitchy or if I'm having mood swing issues but put me behind the steering wheel and all of a sudden, it seems the world is my mortal enemy...well, at least the ones that get in my way when I'm driving. The people who piss me off the most are those that ride your bumper, especially when you're going quite a bit over the speed limit already and there's another car on your side that's keep head to head with you and there's no where you can go without losing your license or parts of your car. And of course I'm never rational when people do that to me. First, I let up on the gas pedal to slow down to catch the person's attention. If that doesn't work, I'll tap on my brake. If I can get over, I will and have no problems with someone wanting to go faster than me but please don't force me to go mach 3 just because you're in a rush and don't care about the safety of strangers. Of course, I won't be surprised if one day I'm the victim of road rage. I realize my actions are dangerous but I can't help myself. Imagine if my mood swings got really bad?!!!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
First week on Lupron shots
I started a six month stint of the Lupron Depot shots because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and a hormone imbalance. The shot stung a bit but I managed to not scream out in pain but I did have to suck my breath in and not speak for a moment. The doctor told me that it would take a couple of weeks before I really started having symptoms of menopause (me...menopause...33????) but the next day I was so exhausted I could barely move and spent most of the day sleeping. (Of course the day before had been a long day between getting up early for work and then driving 3 hours to spend a couple of weeks with my friend.)
I started having my first "hot flash" moments a couple of nights later. I'm not sure that they're full blown hot flashes but my body temperature has definitely shot up a few hundred degrees. Being down South and away from the mountains, my blood has thinned a bit...well, maybe more than a bit. If the temperature dips below 70, I want a light sweater on. Now, I can barely stand to have shoes and clothes on and since I have the other unsightly hormone imbalance symptom of weight gain, that's not a pretty sight. But if this extra body heat is the worst thing I have to put up with over the next few months to regain my old self, it will be worth it.
Life has been hell for the past couple of years. Some of my problem is genetic...according to my mother, many of the women on her side of the family has had problems. I'm sure the other part of the problem is that I've had a hard time finding balance in my life. My early adult life was spent burning the candle on both ends. I worked hard and I played hard. It was so bad that I was running a couple of miles before work with my boss (even if I was hung over from partying the night before). Then my boss and I would run another couple of miles at lunch and then I would work out for another 1 to 3 hours every night. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if I was eating properly but with working out 2 to 5 hours a day plus working at least 8 hours a day (including weekends), who has time to prepare healthy meals.
After a point, my body finally gave out and I spent an entire summer sick. I had strep throat for 3 months and then finally had to have my tonsils taken out. My energy was never really the same after that. I spent a lot of time getting sick because I was still trying to do everything that I used to do (well, maybe not the running but everything else). Then there was the stress of losing my job. Things finally got so bad that other than going to my job, I couldn't do anything and I started having anxiety attacks. I had lived alone for many years and all of a sudden I was afraid of being alone and thought things were watching me and waiting to get me. One day I slept close to 12 hours and probably could have slept the entire day if I didn't have a prior commitment...and for those who don't know, I sleep an average of 6 or 7 hours a night and can only nap if I'm sick...regardless of how tired I am. My face looked worse than a hormonal teenager and I felt like a freak any time I went out of the house...although I finally found a product that helped my skin be less freakish. Finally a friend of mine who is in the medical field suggested that I might have PCOS.
I was finally diagnosed with PCOS but the place that I went to first didn't really know how to deal with my problem. They put me on birth control pills and all of a sudden I started throwing up multiple times a month. I couldn't find any specific food that was causing the problem as some mornings I woke up and threw up and other times I took a bite of food and had to run to the bathroom. The only thing that seemed to be the same was that it usually occurred a week or so before my period started or the week after my period ended. I tried to tell my first doctor about this and they tried to tell me to eat rice, bread, and bananas but I knew it wasn't an issue with my stomach (although I did go to a gastro doctor for various gross tests and procedures to make sure). I even went off of the pill and was still having issues. I finally found a doctor who specialized in PCOS. And after getting on various pills and talking to the doctor, I am now starting these Lupron shots to see if I can clear everything up and find hormonal balance. Of course, I'm also working on finding balance in the rest of my life. We'll see how that goes.
I started having my first "hot flash" moments a couple of nights later. I'm not sure that they're full blown hot flashes but my body temperature has definitely shot up a few hundred degrees. Being down South and away from the mountains, my blood has thinned a bit...well, maybe more than a bit. If the temperature dips below 70, I want a light sweater on. Now, I can barely stand to have shoes and clothes on and since I have the other unsightly hormone imbalance symptom of weight gain, that's not a pretty sight. But if this extra body heat is the worst thing I have to put up with over the next few months to regain my old self, it will be worth it.
Life has been hell for the past couple of years. Some of my problem is genetic...according to my mother, many of the women on her side of the family has had problems. I'm sure the other part of the problem is that I've had a hard time finding balance in my life. My early adult life was spent burning the candle on both ends. I worked hard and I played hard. It was so bad that I was running a couple of miles before work with my boss (even if I was hung over from partying the night before). Then my boss and I would run another couple of miles at lunch and then I would work out for another 1 to 3 hours every night. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if I was eating properly but with working out 2 to 5 hours a day plus working at least 8 hours a day (including weekends), who has time to prepare healthy meals.
After a point, my body finally gave out and I spent an entire summer sick. I had strep throat for 3 months and then finally had to have my tonsils taken out. My energy was never really the same after that. I spent a lot of time getting sick because I was still trying to do everything that I used to do (well, maybe not the running but everything else). Then there was the stress of losing my job. Things finally got so bad that other than going to my job, I couldn't do anything and I started having anxiety attacks. I had lived alone for many years and all of a sudden I was afraid of being alone and thought things were watching me and waiting to get me. One day I slept close to 12 hours and probably could have slept the entire day if I didn't have a prior commitment...and for those who don't know, I sleep an average of 6 or 7 hours a night and can only nap if I'm sick...regardless of how tired I am. My face looked worse than a hormonal teenager and I felt like a freak any time I went out of the house...although I finally found a product that helped my skin be less freakish. Finally a friend of mine who is in the medical field suggested that I might have PCOS.
I was finally diagnosed with PCOS but the place that I went to first didn't really know how to deal with my problem. They put me on birth control pills and all of a sudden I started throwing up multiple times a month. I couldn't find any specific food that was causing the problem as some mornings I woke up and threw up and other times I took a bite of food and had to run to the bathroom. The only thing that seemed to be the same was that it usually occurred a week or so before my period started or the week after my period ended. I tried to tell my first doctor about this and they tried to tell me to eat rice, bread, and bananas but I knew it wasn't an issue with my stomach (although I did go to a gastro doctor for various gross tests and procedures to make sure). I even went off of the pill and was still having issues. I finally found a doctor who specialized in PCOS. And after getting on various pills and talking to the doctor, I am now starting these Lupron shots to see if I can clear everything up and find hormonal balance. Of course, I'm also working on finding balance in the rest of my life. We'll see how that goes.
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