TGIF

This week has probably been the worst so far of my first month on the Lupron shots. I go for my second shot this coming Monday. I had my usual symptom of throwing up followed by the dizziness and the massive headache that medicine doesn't take away. Usually that's a sign that my period is going to start soon or at least it has been for almost two years. According to the information that I read about the shots, you can still get your period for the first two months you're on the shots.

The first two weeks after getting my first shot, I was staying with a friend so my daily workout routine was interrupted. I had been going to pilates three mornings a week and doing a kick boxing class once a week plus taking my dog for a walk. The first week of the shot I was so tired I could barely concentrate on work...not sure if that was the shot or the fact that I was out of my routine and had been traveling quite a week in a short period of time. Then the first week that I was back home I ended up with a bit of a sinus infection so between that and early morning meetings, I wasn't able to get to the gym. I started back this week. I decided that I'm more of an early morning workout person so I changed my workout schedule to all morning routines. I'll still do the 3 mornings of pilates but now I'll do the elliptical for 30 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. When and if feel up to it, I may add the kick boxing class back in but for now this keeps me active and will hopefully help with some of my excess weight issue. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, which means trying to stay active and trying not to get frustrated that the weight won't just drop off but that I'll actually have to work at it. But isn't that all about finding the balance in my life? Slow and steady wins the race. I need to find balance between food, exercise, work, and the rest of life.

Bang on your drums all day

The drum just happens to be my head. I'm tired of the headaches and I'm looking forward to them being gone...one of these days. But if this is the worst it gets, I'll consider myself lucky.

The Aleve is finally kicking in...sigh...relief...

Flashing like a red neon light

I asked my mother how I would know if I was having a hot flash and she said I'd know because I'd start sweating from all parts of my body. I'm not sure if I'm having hot flashes or just having moments where I get warm as I'm not really sweating. Instead I feel like a match is being lit inside of me and it burns until it's out. Then I feel like I return to a normal body temperature.

My anxiety is starting to return but I'm not sure how much of that is from the Lupron shot and how much of it is from me staying with a friend who suffers from anxiety and depression and who is trying to readjust her medication. I've been dreaming again (I don't often remember my dreams but they were extremely vivid when my hormone imbalance was at its worse and according to the Lupron literature, your estrogen levels spike during the first couple of weeks before lowering). I have dreams that things are after me. One dream was so vivid when I first started having these anxiety issues, that I swore there was an alien in my apartment trying to get me. The real fear was that I felt like I had no way to escape what was coming to get me. I wonder what Freud would say.

Freud may very well say that it's something sexual but he would be so wrong. My sex drive has been so low for the past two years that I was beginning to think about joining a nunnery. But how can you be sexually attracted to someone when you don't feel sexually attractive? I feel like a sexless blob and I wonder how anyone could love this deformed body? What if I'm never able to have children; does that make me less of a woman? I used to love to flirt but you can't flirt when all you want to do is hide from the world.

I'm putting a lot of faith into these Lupron shots. I hope they return me to my old self...well, maybe an older and wiser version of my old self. I want to have the energy to do things and to enjoy people. I want to feel good about myself and I want to feel like I deserve a really great guy who will treat me well and who will love all of me. I do know that I've struggled too hard to feel well and to care for myself to ever put up with someone who doesn't respect me and love me.