Flashing like a red neon light

I asked my mother how I would know if I was having a hot flash and she said I'd know because I'd start sweating from all parts of my body. I'm not sure if I'm having hot flashes or just having moments where I get warm as I'm not really sweating. Instead I feel like a match is being lit inside of me and it burns until it's out. Then I feel like I return to a normal body temperature.

My anxiety is starting to return but I'm not sure how much of that is from the Lupron shot and how much of it is from me staying with a friend who suffers from anxiety and depression and who is trying to readjust her medication. I've been dreaming again (I don't often remember my dreams but they were extremely vivid when my hormone imbalance was at its worse and according to the Lupron literature, your estrogen levels spike during the first couple of weeks before lowering). I have dreams that things are after me. One dream was so vivid when I first started having these anxiety issues, that I swore there was an alien in my apartment trying to get me. The real fear was that I felt like I had no way to escape what was coming to get me. I wonder what Freud would say.

Freud may very well say that it's something sexual but he would be so wrong. My sex drive has been so low for the past two years that I was beginning to think about joining a nunnery. But how can you be sexually attracted to someone when you don't feel sexually attractive? I feel like a sexless blob and I wonder how anyone could love this deformed body? What if I'm never able to have children; does that make me less of a woman? I used to love to flirt but you can't flirt when all you want to do is hide from the world.

I'm putting a lot of faith into these Lupron shots. I hope they return me to my old self...well, maybe an older and wiser version of my old self. I want to have the energy to do things and to enjoy people. I want to feel good about myself and I want to feel like I deserve a really great guy who will treat me well and who will love all of me. I do know that I've struggled too hard to feel well and to care for myself to ever put up with someone who doesn't respect me and love me.