Frustration

I received my third shot yesterday. I spoke to my doctor about my continuing and worsening stomach issues. As adding estrogen back into my system would counter the effect of the shots, she told me to purchase an over-the-counter progestine cream, which is basically synthetic progesterone. Hopefully it will help my stomach issues but I do worry that I may be fixing one issue but causing another as prolong use of fake progesterone has been known to cause cancer...the real hormone actually lowers the risk of cancer but not the fake shit. So I'm going to give this a month to see if it helps; if it doesn't, I'm going to stop take it as what's the point and it's obviously not worth the risk at that point.

But my true frustration is that I feel like a science experiment. I wonder if my doctor really believes my symptoms or if she thinks I'm a bored, white woman who needs something to complain about. And I feel like she don't really understand my issues because I'm not trying to get pregnant...but hmmm, if I do want to eventually get pregnant, don't I need to fix these issues now so that I feel like an attractive female again who can actually attract an person of the opposite sex who I deem worthy enough to be with and procreate with?

I think there needs to be a list of clear questions that doctors should ask their patients to help them determine what type of hormone balance is going on, which might help the doctors find a starting point for proper tests and medicines to administer. Right now I feel like precious moments of my life are being lost every day while they try to figure things out. I've already wasted enough years with this issue. Maybe after this treatment if I still don't feel right, it will be time for drastic measures and some kind of radical treatment.

Women not only need to "Take Back the Night" from the unknown monsters that stalk us on the streets but we need to take back our lives from these doctors, who don't listen to us and assume that we're crazy or who feel that it's easier to put us on Prozac or deal with our individual symptoms instead of taking the time to get to the root cause. I wonder how many women are on anti-depressants when they should be on something to fix their hormone imbalance? Give me the strength to keep on fighting!!!

Throwing up sucks

I am towards the end of my second month on the Lupron shots. Two days after my second shot, I got extremely moody and started crying for no reason while I was working. The tears just started falling. I was fine until this past weekend. I woke up on Saturday morning and after having a cup of coffee and nothing else, I had to throw up. It was one of those dry heaves because I had no food in my stomach. I spent the rest of the day in a fog in my room. I threw up a little that night as well. Sunday I woke up and my stomach felt better although I was still a little worn out. This morning I was nauseous again; I honestly can't remember if I threw up or not. If I did, it was mainly just phlegm. I managed to work through the day but I was tired and it was hard to concentrate. Then my parents and I got a large, sausage pizza for dinner and it was really good but before I finished my second slice, I threw everything up. It has nothing to do with the food I eat so don't gasp at the fact that I ate pizza.

On Monday, I spoke to the nurse who is overseeing my treatment and I told her about my continuing stomach issues. She mentioned that my hormone problem may actually be low estrogen. It makes sence as my stomach problems started when I started using the nuvoring. I may have had low estrogen with the PCOS and then the nuvoring dropped it down even lower. When I was using the ring, I was throwing up multiple times throughout the month. When I finally stopped using the ring a year later and stopped using any form of BC, I only threw up once a month about a week before my period...when my estrogen levels would start to drop.

I just want to cry. I'm tired of throwing up, I'm tired of having that foggy head where I can't find the words that I want, I'm tired of feeling exhausted, I'm tired of feeling emotional, and I'm tired of feeling weak and like less of a woman. I'm also tired of feeling like my hair is falling out...I know I have a huge amount of hair so that it's hard to tell but when you clog the drain almost every time you wash your hair, it's definitely an issue. I want to feel good and I want to feel like I could be attracted to that special someone.

I keep trying to remind myself that this will all get better.

TGIF

This week has probably been the worst so far of my first month on the Lupron shots. I go for my second shot this coming Monday. I had my usual symptom of throwing up followed by the dizziness and the massive headache that medicine doesn't take away. Usually that's a sign that my period is going to start soon or at least it has been for almost two years. According to the information that I read about the shots, you can still get your period for the first two months you're on the shots.

The first two weeks after getting my first shot, I was staying with a friend so my daily workout routine was interrupted. I had been going to pilates three mornings a week and doing a kick boxing class once a week plus taking my dog for a walk. The first week of the shot I was so tired I could barely concentrate on work...not sure if that was the shot or the fact that I was out of my routine and had been traveling quite a week in a short period of time. Then the first week that I was back home I ended up with a bit of a sinus infection so between that and early morning meetings, I wasn't able to get to the gym. I started back this week. I decided that I'm more of an early morning workout person so I changed my workout schedule to all morning routines. I'll still do the 3 mornings of pilates but now I'll do the elliptical for 30 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. When and if feel up to it, I may add the kick boxing class back in but for now this keeps me active and will hopefully help with some of my excess weight issue. I'm just trying to take one day at a time, which means trying to stay active and trying not to get frustrated that the weight won't just drop off but that I'll actually have to work at it. But isn't that all about finding the balance in my life? Slow and steady wins the race. I need to find balance between food, exercise, work, and the rest of life.

Bang on your drums all day

The drum just happens to be my head. I'm tired of the headaches and I'm looking forward to them being gone...one of these days. But if this is the worst it gets, I'll consider myself lucky.

The Aleve is finally kicking in...sigh...relief...

Flashing like a red neon light

I asked my mother how I would know if I was having a hot flash and she said I'd know because I'd start sweating from all parts of my body. I'm not sure if I'm having hot flashes or just having moments where I get warm as I'm not really sweating. Instead I feel like a match is being lit inside of me and it burns until it's out. Then I feel like I return to a normal body temperature.

My anxiety is starting to return but I'm not sure how much of that is from the Lupron shot and how much of it is from me staying with a friend who suffers from anxiety and depression and who is trying to readjust her medication. I've been dreaming again (I don't often remember my dreams but they were extremely vivid when my hormone imbalance was at its worse and according to the Lupron literature, your estrogen levels spike during the first couple of weeks before lowering). I have dreams that things are after me. One dream was so vivid when I first started having these anxiety issues, that I swore there was an alien in my apartment trying to get me. The real fear was that I felt like I had no way to escape what was coming to get me. I wonder what Freud would say.

Freud may very well say that it's something sexual but he would be so wrong. My sex drive has been so low for the past two years that I was beginning to think about joining a nunnery. But how can you be sexually attracted to someone when you don't feel sexually attractive? I feel like a sexless blob and I wonder how anyone could love this deformed body? What if I'm never able to have children; does that make me less of a woman? I used to love to flirt but you can't flirt when all you want to do is hide from the world.

I'm putting a lot of faith into these Lupron shots. I hope they return me to my old self...well, maybe an older and wiser version of my old self. I want to have the energy to do things and to enjoy people. I want to feel good about myself and I want to feel like I deserve a really great guy who will treat me well and who will love all of me. I do know that I've struggled too hard to feel well and to care for myself to ever put up with someone who doesn't respect me and love me.

The world needs balance

I can't help but feel that the entire world is imbalanced. How did we become a world full of hate? On CNN there was an article about a church demonstration blaming the war on the evils of homosexuals. All I can think to say is, "Huh?" How can someone's sexuality determine the evilness of the world? What about all the people who commit murder? What about the sexual predators who pray on the innocence of our world? Wouldn't they have more of a karmic impact on our world than someone who prefers to have adult, consensual sex...regardless of whether it's same sex or different sex?

And we can't go more than a day or two without hearing about some suicide bomber. Or we find out about another athlete who has been taking steroids. What is the root cause for all this hate? What is causing this imbalance in the world? Does this hate stem from the 24x7 news coverage? Hell, I'm not sure if we can even call it real news but "entertainment" news. In the past, we may have had such hatred but these people didn't have a constant, worldwide voice.

I'm not the most religious person but I feel that we have lost the true message of religion (although I'm not sure if we ever really had it with all the wars that were fought in the name of "religion"). Doesn't the bible tell you to love your neighbor? When did it turn into love your neighbor as long as they believe and live as you do? We don't have to agree with what everyone does or say or believes but why do we have to hate them for these actions, words, and beliefs? And where does it give us the right to destroy these people for their differences? What about the golden rule of do onto others as you would have them do onto you?

I know when my hormones are really off that I have unwarranted feelings of hate towards people I don't even know just because they looked at me. And when things are REALLY bad, I'm filled with anxiety like someone is out to get me and I'm afraid to be alone. This is why I think the world is suffering from an imbalance.

The question is, "How do we balance the world and find peace?"

Bloody Tuesday

Ugh, today I feel like crap. I feel like I'm in a haze; my head hurts and my stomach just doesn't want to settle. Oh, and did I mention that my period started again? A week after it ended. I did read that it was normal to have break through bleeding for the first two months so hopefully this is normal and my body's way of cleaning itself out.

I have to admit that it has been a frustrating process to get to this point. I know most women get diagnosed with PCOS or other hormonal imbalances because they're trying to get pregnant and can't but I have no desire to have children and don't really care about infertility issues. I feel sorry for all the women who are having these issues because I've had many friends who have struggled to get pregnant. But the problem is that all us single women who don't plan to get pregnant any time soon are made to feel like we shouldn't have these issues and why are we bothering to try to fix this problem now. For all you single women, you are not alone in your quest to feel better. If you feel like your doctor is not listening to you when you tell them that you don't feel good, find someone else. Keep track of your symptoms and when they occur. Before I was diagnosed with PCOS, I knew something was wrong with me but I didn't know what because other than being exhausted always broken out, there was no real problem that I could pinpoint. I felt like my body was destroying itself from the inside out and I didn't know how to stop it.

And don't find someone who tries to treat the symptoms. Find a doctor who is willing to work with you to get to the root cause of your problems.

Sleepy Sunday

Sunday went fairly well or I at least had no hot flashes. Of course when I woke up freezing this morning, it would have been nice to have a hot flash to warm me up but I guess it doesn't really work that way. I'm still somewhat fatigued but some of it may be from staying with my friend and being out of my normal routine. By the end of the day, I had a slight headache and I was a little achy but we spent a good 4 hours at the Renaissance Festival and there's only so much of a crowd and screaming kids that I can stand.

I'm not sure if I'm just generally bitchy or if I'm having mood swing issues but put me behind the steering wheel and all of a sudden, it seems the world is my mortal enemy...well, at least the ones that get in my way when I'm driving. The people who piss me off the most are those that ride your bumper, especially when you're going quite a bit over the speed limit already and there's another car on your side that's keep head to head with you and there's no where you can go without losing your license or parts of your car. And of course I'm never rational when people do that to me. First, I let up on the gas pedal to slow down to catch the person's attention. If that doesn't work, I'll tap on my brake. If I can get over, I will and have no problems with someone wanting to go faster than me but please don't force me to go mach 3 just because you're in a rush and don't care about the safety of strangers. Of course, I won't be surprised if one day I'm the victim of road rage. I realize my actions are dangerous but I can't help myself. Imagine if my mood swings got really bad?!!!

First week on Lupron shots

I started a six month stint of the Lupron Depot shots because I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and a hormone imbalance. The shot stung a bit but I managed to not scream out in pain but I did have to suck my breath in and not speak for a moment. The doctor told me that it would take a couple of weeks before I really started having symptoms of menopause (me...menopause...33????) but the next day I was so exhausted I could barely move and spent most of the day sleeping. (Of course the day before had been a long day between getting up early for work and then driving 3 hours to spend a couple of weeks with my friend.)

I started having my first "hot flash" moments a couple of nights later. I'm not sure that they're full blown hot flashes but my body temperature has definitely shot up a few hundred degrees. Being down South and away from the mountains, my blood has thinned a bit...well, maybe more than a bit. If the temperature dips below 70, I want a light sweater on. Now, I can barely stand to have shoes and clothes on and since I have the other unsightly hormone imbalance symptom of weight gain, that's not a pretty sight. But if this extra body heat is the worst thing I have to put up with over the next few months to regain my old self, it will be worth it.

Life has been hell for the past couple of years. Some of my problem is genetic...according to my mother, many of the women on her side of the family has had problems. I'm sure the other part of the problem is that I've had a hard time finding balance in my life. My early adult life was spent burning the candle on both ends. I worked hard and I played hard. It was so bad that I was running a couple of miles before work with my boss (even if I was hung over from partying the night before). Then my boss and I would run another couple of miles at lunch and then I would work out for another 1 to 3 hours every night. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if I was eating properly but with working out 2 to 5 hours a day plus working at least 8 hours a day (including weekends), who has time to prepare healthy meals.

After a point, my body finally gave out and I spent an entire summer sick. I had strep throat for 3 months and then finally had to have my tonsils taken out. My energy was never really the same after that. I spent a lot of time getting sick because I was still trying to do everything that I used to do (well, maybe not the running but everything else). Then there was the stress of losing my job. Things finally got so bad that other than going to my job, I couldn't do anything and I started having anxiety attacks. I had lived alone for many years and all of a sudden I was afraid of being alone and thought things were watching me and waiting to get me. One day I slept close to 12 hours and probably could have slept the entire day if I didn't have a prior commitment...and for those who don't know, I sleep an average of 6 or 7 hours a night and can only nap if I'm sick...regardless of how tired I am. My face looked worse than a hormonal teenager and I felt like a freak any time I went out of the house...although I finally found a product that helped my skin be less freakish. Finally a friend of mine who is in the medical field suggested that I might have PCOS.

I was finally diagnosed with PCOS but the place that I went to first didn't really know how to deal with my problem. They put me on birth control pills and all of a sudden I started throwing up multiple times a month. I couldn't find any specific food that was causing the problem as some mornings I woke up and threw up and other times I took a bite of food and had to run to the bathroom. The only thing that seemed to be the same was that it usually occurred a week or so before my period started or the week after my period ended. I tried to tell my first doctor about this and they tried to tell me to eat rice, bread, and bananas but I knew it wasn't an issue with my stomach (although I did go to a gastro doctor for various gross tests and procedures to make sure). I even went off of the pill and was still having issues. I finally found a doctor who specialized in PCOS. And after getting on various pills and talking to the doctor, I am now starting these Lupron shots to see if I can clear everything up and find hormonal balance. Of course, I'm also working on finding balance in the rest of my life. We'll see how that goes.